Jakes Decision
by AV3NG3R
Summary: Almost a year with no update. What can I say, I'm a busy guy. If there's anyone still out there reading this thing, I'm going to update the next chapter within a few days, maybe even tonight. As always, enjoy.
1. Jakes Decision

**Part One**

**Jake**

I did it thursday night. Probably a bad idea since I had school the next day but I didnt care. It was too much to deal with. Being the leader of this little army. Of the Animorphs. It was all just too much. The battles. The decisions. My friends, always looking ot me. Always to the fearless leader. The one with the plan. Always expecting me to know what to do. Like I wasnt scared. Like I wasnt confused. Like I knew something they didnt. God it's so hard. You dont know. And i feel sorry for you if you do. But all that stress, all that confusion was about to melt away. Because I was about to do something I'd never done. I was about to get high.

It was surprisingly, almost frighteningly simple to get the weed. A couple bucks and I was walking home with a Ziplock baggie in my backpack. in the bottom of the baggie was a single "blunt". Really, it didnt look like much. I was a little wary. It hadn't exactly been cheap. But then I thought about all the immense weight of being a leader and decided I didnt give a shit anymore. I'd sell my soul just to make it all go away for even a minute. Just one minute of peace. Of simple carefree joy. I got home and did my chores. Ate dinner. Played the part in front of my family. In front of Tom. Read the script written for me. God I was so sick of it. Of sitting at the table and staring at him and _knowing_ what was there. I was sick and tired of pretending everyhtign was normal. Sick of pretending that it was really Tom speaking to me. Sick of having fake conversations. But in a couple of hours that was all going to change.

I did my homework, I did the dishes, and left my family sitting in the livingroom, watching tv. Then I went up to my room and locked the door. I felt a moments aprehension. A small voice in my head telling me this was a bad idea. "what if you cant stop? what if you do somehting stupid and reveal yourself to tom?" I shoved it away. I didnt care anymore. maybe it's me. Maybe I'm weak. That's waht I felt like. I was about to jeapordize the fate of the world, of my friends, family, myself. Just for a brief release from the weight of responsability. I stared down at the tightly rolled blunt in my hands. I dont know if I'm weak. Maybe I am. But as horrible as it felt right hten. I didnt' care. Couldnt. I had to do this. I had to get away. I had to get away. Dont you understand?! no...no you dont...you cant. It eats away at you. It strips away your humanity, until you're nothing more than a machine. a cold, souless machine barking out orders and putting your friends in danger and not even caring anymore. I couldnt feel. I couldnt laugh. Not even at the dinner table. not even in front of Tom I couldnt make myself smile. I didnt cry anymore. I didnt laugh. I just didnt FEEL anymore. But that was over, I told myself. At least once. Just tonight I told myself. Just tonight I'm going to feel again. I'm going to take a break. I'm going to do something for me.

I took a deep breath. "Fuck it." I walked over ot the window and opened it, I turned on the fan in my room. I pulled the plain yellow lighter out of my pocket and took a deep breath. I couldnt stop my stomach boiling, I was nervous. Finally, I lit the end of it and took in a deep lungfull. I held it. Just like the guy had said. 'hey,' I thought to myself. 'this isnt bad, not as bad as those cigarettes I tri-' suddenly the back of my throat burned, my eyes watered and I coughed loudly. A grey/white cloud exploding out my window. I grabbed my chest and coughed harder, I could barely breath! I burped and a smaller cloud drifted out my window. Finally I sucked in a deep breath of air. I gave myself a few moments to recover and then I took another hit. slower this time. not as forcefull. It was getting better. I still coughed a bit but I didnt mind so much this tiem. I sat down in the chair by my desk and heaved a huge sigh. I didnt FEEL any different. I frowned. I stood up to take another drag and suddenly realized I was dizzy. Things didnt seem to stay in the same place. no, that wasnt it, I jsut couldnt concentrate on them for more than a few seconds. "So this is what it's like?" I asked to noone in particular.

I laughed. I was talking to myself. Then I realized how hard I was laughing abotu it and that made me laugh harder. I fumbled for a minute and turned ont he little tv I have in my room, then I flopped down on my bed. I dont know what show I was watching. I think it was some old Nick-at-Night thing. Threes company or somthing. I was watching it, but if you'd asked me what it was abotu I coulldnt have told you. I just stared at it dumbly. every now and then I would get up, walk unsteadily over to the window, and take another hit. I dont know how long i'd been like that. It seemed like hours, but it was probably only a few minutes or so when suddenly a bird flew through my window. Just flew right in. I stared at it for a second, it seemed to be moving in stop-motion photography. I just stared at it and suddenly I started laughing, hard. Laughing like it was the funniest thing in the whole world. I mean...here was this bird, right? and it had just flown right into my freakign room! I guffawed, I laughed, I cackled until tears of mirth ran from my eyes. then I suddenly realized I could hear a voice in my head.

(Jake?) it said, sounding confused, and slightly concerned. (You ok man? Jake....Jake! Jake it's me, Tobias!) The bird jumped up onto my bed and this was HILARIOUS! I dont even know what about it was funny. I laughed so hard I couldnt breath and I just sort of pointed at it and wheezed.

(Jake are you...is that...oh jesus you've got to be KIDDING me! Are you high!? Holy shit Jake man this is stupid! Are you an idiot! what are you doing!)

Then I remembered, Tobias! I pointed at the bird. "T'bies!" I exclaimed.

(ohhh man!) Tobias groaned. (I'm going human. This is nuts.)

Tobias started changing. It was frighteneing, terrifying, disgusting. As messed up as I was I should have been jibberign in terror, but it was like I wasnt even me anymore. I was watching this like a movie. Sure, it was scary, but I mean, it was like it was happening to someone else. "Dude..." I said "that...was fuckign awesome!!"

Finally, Tobias had morphed completely. Man he looked pissed, but that just made me laugh. "holy shit man...you should see your face...dude you look so pissed off!" I cackled.

"Jake!" He raged "What are you doing!"

I forced myself to be serious and I sat up ont he bed. I hadnt even reali'zed I'd layd down.

"m'sorry dude. I'm sorry Tobias. But man...it was just too mush dude. Fucking...Tom....merphing...Yeerks..." I felt a grin tug at the corners of my mouth. "Yeerks. Yorks. hehe...Yucks...ucks...Sound like AX!" I yelled and started laughing.

The look in Tobias's eyes changed. From rage and disgust to pity and...and understanding. His life was hard too...I saw him glance down, just for a second, at the blunt still in my hands. Suddenly...a feeling swelled up inside me. Love. Not in a "I want to go out with you" way. But liek a brother. Closer. He was like family. I wanted ot help him. I dont think I've ever felt more like I wanted to help someone. God it was a good feelign. I was almost in tears from the power of the emotion. Slowly, I held up the blunt.

"Tobias. You have no idea what it's like. All your problems. All the stress...all the negativity. You just forget it. It...it's a lot like being a dolphin."

I suddenly remembered that Tobias had not been able to morph then...he'd never been a dolphin. I swear i think I almost cried right then. This poor guy...he'd never known what pure, simple, joy was. He stared at the blunt.

"It'll set you free." I said quietly. He glanced up at me and sighed.

"I guess...once." He slowly took the blunt and took a hit. He started coughing and almost dropped it. I burst into laughter at the sight of him coughing and cought the blunt, barely. We passed it back and forth a few more times and pretty soon we were both lauhging. We put in a movie, Lord of the Rings. and laughed our asses off. But it wasnt all just funny. God the movie was so much better. Everythign was so much more intense, but also...somehow, so much more wholesome. The good guys were GOOD. The bad guys were BAD. Not like my war. Where the bad guys are in the good guys bodies. And i didnt even know which one I was anymore. How could we be the good guys, after all the things we'd done? But those thought slid away. Replaced by the simple joy of wathcing a movie and hanging out with tobias.

We laughed, we cried, I looked at him, closed my eyes, and told him that I could see through my eyelids. I was so serious. so incredibly serious. But then he started laughing, and I thought about what I was saying, and I started laughing too.

After a while we'd finished the blunt and we were both completely blazed. Suddenly a thought popped into my head. "Tobias...dude you should Demorph." He nodded slowly, like it was the most sagely thing anyone had ever said.

"Yeah." It took Tobias a lot longer ot Demorph, he kept losing his concentration. And I wasnt exactly helpoing him. I kept tryign to distract him. I dont know why, it was hilarious. I'd do something silly and he would burst out lauhging and stop Demorphing but finally he was a normal hawk agian.

(Jake...I'm not high anymore) Said the voice in my head. Oh yeah, it was Tobias.

I sighed sadly. "dude...that's so sad man..." It was like being in dog morph. It wasnt just sad that Tobias wasnt high anymore, that he could only be like this for two hours at a time. It wasnt just sad. It was SAD. Suddenly, instantly, I brightened up again. "Tobias!" I yelled like he was a mile away when really he was just a few feet away.

(Jeez! Stop yelling man! your parents will hear!)

I felt horrible, I had almost woken up my folks, and with Tobias's hawk hearign I'd probably hurt him.

"Oh man dude I'm so sorry...dude I'm so sorry abotu that man."

(It's alright Jake it's fine. Calm down. Now, what were you going to tell me?)

I froze...what..had I wanted to tell him? I started laughing. I couldnt remember. All I could do was shake my head and laugh "oh shit dude...I'm so high right now. I'm so lit.."

(Jake dude, come on man, it sounded important.)

Oh yeah! I suddenly remmebered. "dude, we should do this more often. I mean...I know it's bad for you and all but. God I havent felt this...this...carefree...in a long time. I feel normal. Better than normal. I feel good. Tobias do you know how long it's been since I just plain old felt good? Since I felt anything at all?"

He just stared at me, that peircing hawk gaze. He was silent. But I knew. I knew that he knew what it was like.

(I...yeah I know what you mean...maybe man. I've...got to go talk to Rachel. I'll see you around Jake.) He hopped up on the windowsill. (Oh, and Jake? spray someFebreez in here or soemthing man. It reeks of weed.) With that he spread his wings and drifted off silently into the night. I was sad to see him go. Everything was so much more interesting when there was someone there to share the experience with. But I sprayed some Febreez, probably more than I should have, and flopped back down on my bed.

I knew it was bad...but how could somehting to wonderfully wholesomely simply good be bad? I pondered this and countless other universal mysteries as I watched TV and finally drifted off to sleep.

To be Continued...


	2. Immediate Consequences

**_Authors note: Just a couple things. I might decide to discontinue this story, it depends on the reviews I get. Also, just so no one throws a fit. I always capitolize the word Idea. I don't know why. Sorry. Anywho, enjoy the story, it's a short one. I wrote it at 2am and haven't had a chance to re-read it yet. _**

**Tobias.**

I flew. I blew through the night like a missile. I wanted to get away from it. Some irrational part of me, bird or human I dont know. hoped that I could fly away from what had happened. That if I flew fast enough I could escape the truth of what I'd done. I don't even know why I did it. I had meant to say no. I'd meant to turn him down. But before I had known what I was doing I was reaching for it.

I dove and pulled up at the last second. Trying to stop my mind from thinking about it over and over again. What it had felt like. How...simple everyhting had been. I wanted to deny it. I wanted to push it all away. But you can't run from the truth. And the truth is that I had enjoyed it. I...don't really get to hang out with Jake alot. I mean, he's so much different now than he was when this all started. I felt sorry for him.

And I felt guilty too. We had done this to him. I couldn't blame him for smoking. In a way it was our fault. We had elected him leader. He hadn't wanted the job. Jake wasn't a "look-at-me" kind of guy. We'd chosen well. Jake was a good leader. He made the tough choices, he kept us on track, kept us from paniking, from losing hope. But the truth is that he'd done all this at the price of his humanity.

I realized I was dwelling on it again and screamed as I wove through the trees.

TSEEEER!!!

Finally I made it to Rachels and flew in through the window. The room was dark, but I could make out the her face, asleep, the moonlight streamign through the window and softly illuminating her. She took my breath away and for a few minutes I simply perched on her desk and watched her sleep. Finally, tentatively, almost not WANTING to wake her up, I called out.

(Rachel...?)

I had to call her name a few more times before she finally sat up, rubbing her eyes and brushing her golden hair out of her eyes. God she looked so beautiful in the moonlight. Her hair like a glowing halo around her head. She adjusted the skimpy nightgown she was wearign and pulled the covers up a bit, to my embarassed disappointment.

"Hey Tobias. What time is it?"

(I dont know. two, three in the morning. I'm sorry Rachel but...I...I didnt know who else to talk to...)

I saw the concern on her face as she sat up more. "What's wrong?" She asked.

(It's Jake. I...He...went by his house...When I got there he was...well he'd...)

I could see worry creeping inot her face. "Tobias...what happned?"

(He was..high. He was smoking weed.) I couldnt think of any other way to say it.

"He WHAT?!" she exploded.

(Rachel! Sh! your family! They'll hear!)

She started cursing under her breath and I slowly started to wonder if maybe this hadn't been such a good idea. Besides, I kind of felt like a little kid telling on one of my friends. I felt the sudden need to defend what he'd done.

(Look...Rachel...I mean, he's got a really hard job. I mean we put a lot of pressure on hte guy. And it's not like he was doing a lot of it...Besides,) I continued (It wasnt really that bad...)

She froze and slowly turned to stare at me, her eyes wide. If I'd had the proper mouth parts right then I would have gulped.

(Well...I mean...just...tried it...) I mumbled lamely.

She closed her eyes and started rubbing her temples. Even in the darkness I could see she was really really angry. "Get out Tobias. Just...go away. I can't talk to you right now."

I felt crushed. Rachel had always...ALWAYS been there for me. No matter what. Even when she saw me eatign roadkill. She had never turned me away. If I was human I would have cried. But hawks can't cry. I slowly trned and hopped out the window, gliding out into the night without a word. I couldnt speak anyway. I was crushed, confused, hurt. What had I done? Why had I done that? Why had I told her?

Oh god...Jake. He would be livid that I told someone without even consulting him. I felt worse than I had at the beginning of the night. Me and Jake arent exactly as "close" as we used to be. But I still considered him a real friend. He and Rachel were the only two people I felt I could really trust. Now one of them was too pissed to talk to me, and the other was probably passed out.

Suddenly, and Idea! Ax! I could talk to Ax! But no...he wouldnt understand. This was a purely human matter. I fluttered back to my branch and slumped down, tryign to shut the buzzing out of my head as my thought whirled round and round.

We had a meeting in cassies barn in a few hours. The knowledge filled me with dread. I could just imagine rachel, coldly ignoring me, and everyone yelling at Jake. And at me. His position as the leader would be compromised. No leader was allowed to show weakness. But Jake had given in. He'd collapsed from the pressure. I coulndt stand it.

If Jake was out then that was it. The Animorphs couldnt survive without our fearless leader. We'd go our seperate ways. But what about me? I was a hawk with a boys mind. I was a telepathic bird. The Animorphs were my life. They were my only connction to the real world. Without them I was truly just a freak of nature. I finally fell asleep, with visions of me wandering, alone in the forrest, alone forever, slowly going insane, playing through my mind. Tomorrow would see the answers to the horrible questions that had been raised that night


	3. Confusion

**Authors note. This is just a short Chapter here. So I decided to write chapters 3 and 4 to make up for it. Hope you enjoy it!**

**Rachel**

After Tobias left I paced my room for a while. Fuming. How could he do this?! How could he?! I wondered who I was really talking about, Jake? Or Tobias? Finally I calmed down a little bit and sat down on the edge of my bed. God, this was not what we needed right now. We'd found out from the Chee that the Yeerks were building another ground based Kandrona and everyone was a little on edge because of the news. But this...this was unbelievable.

I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples. I was mad at Jake, sure. He wasn't behaving like a leader. He wasn't acting like he was supposed to. We couldn't afford to lose him now, not when we needed him the most.

I growled and kicked my bedpost, forgetting that I was barefoot. I bit back a yelp and tried to ignore the pain in my foot. It just made me even more angry. But I knew who I was really angry with. Tobias. Sure, it was bad what Jake was doing. But I could at least understand. I mean, he was under more pressure than I could imagine. I thought back to the time I had been the "Leader." It had ended horribly, and I had come away with a new respect for Jake. My cousin was strong. Probably the strongest person I knew. But Tobias...why had he done it?

I sighed. Maybe I was overreacting. I mean, Tobias probably lead as hard a life as any of us. Except maybe for Jake. Tobias was a bird. A red tailed hawk to be specific. Except for two hours at a time. Then he could be normal. Or at least mostly normal. His world was cold and unforgiving. Kill or be killed. The law of the Jungle. Well, the law of the forest anyway. I felt a little guilty for exploding on him like that. How could I really blame him? If I was in his position, would I have done the same thing?

I groaned. Now I was angry, guilty, tired, and above all, confused. I turned off my light and layed down, trying to get back to sleep. But I kept turning over my feelings in my head. Finally though, I managed to drift off into fitful sleep.


	4. The Certainty of Love

**Cassie**

I walked into the barn at 5am. We were having an early meeting before school. It wasn't supposed to start till six so I was going to look in on some of the animals before everyone arrived. So I was pretty surprised to see I wasn't alone.

"Oh," I said, startled. "Hey Jake...You're here pretty early."

I was worried, Jake had been sitting here, alone, in the dark. When I flicked on the dim yellow bulb I could see the emotions roiling on his face. Fear, nervousness, worry, guilt, shame. I caught only a flash of these before he quickly buried them under his "Fearless Leader" mask.

"Jake. Are you ok?"

Finally, he looked up at me. I almost took a step back. The pain in his eyes, god it shone through like a beacon. I quickly set down the pail of seed I was carrying and hurried across the barn, wrapping my arms around him.

"Oh god Jake. What happened? What's wrong?"

He shuddered and winced like he'd been struck. I could see the mask failing...failing...finally it simply collapsed and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly and crying on my shoulder. I held him gently, not asking any more questions. I could tell he needed to cry, to get this out. He would tell my what was wrong in good time. Until then I held him and rubbed his back until he finally cried himself out.

Finally he released his grip on me and slumped back on the hay bale. His shoulders were slouched, his head hung low. There was no trace of "Leader" Jake anymore. Now he was just a scarred kid like the rest of us. Slowly, he looked up at me.

"Cassie..." He stopped talking, searching for some way to say what he had to say. I sat patiently and waited. "Cassie...it was too much. It was all just too much. I...felt like I was imploding. Like I was sinking. I couldn't feel. I had...I had to do it..." He swallowed hard.

"I failed. I failed you, I failed everyone. Oh god..."

"Jake...what are you talking about? You haven't failed anyone!"

He just shook his head. "Cassie you don't understand. I...bought some...I...last night I..." He took a deep breath, I held mine. "Last night I got high."

My first emotion was a feeling of relief, I had been expecting something like, "I told my parents everything." That quickly faded into a boiling mix of conflicting, confusing emotions. There was a small part of me that was angry with him, but not much. Mostly I felt sad for him. I pitied him. And I was a little hurt that he hadn't come to me and told me about how he was feeling. It hurt that he had to go to drugs to deal with the pressure. But I pushed this aside. He needed me now, more than ever. I wrapped my arms around him tighter and held him.

"Oh Jake...god I'm so sorry...Jake Jake Jake...why didn't you tell me? I...god what have we done to you..." I felt tears of guilt building up in my eyes. "What have we done..."

He looked at me and shook his head. "Please, don't Cassie. Don't, it's not your fault. I couldn't handle it. It was too much. I'm not cut out for this Cassie. I just couldn't handle the pressure. I'm no leader. I'm no leader..." He shook his head.

"Jake. Look at me." he slowly turned and looked at me.

"Listen to me Jake, you are the leader, do you understand? We're nothing without you. We need you Jake. More than anything else, we NEED you. You can't let go Jake. We're all depending on you." I felt sick, sick at what I was doing. Sick that I was dumping this on him. Sick that I was manipulating him like this. I wanted so much to tell him it was alright, to tell him he could go home and forget about all this. I wanted so much to tell him that we didn't need him. That he could go live a normal life. But I couldn't tell him that. But there was one thing I could tell him.

"Jake," I whispered. "I love you."

He looked up at me, the words seeming to fill him with some small amount of strength. He smiled weakly. "I love you too Cassie."

My breath caught as he slowly leaned up and kissed me. It wasn't one of those soap opera lets-swallow-each-others-tounges kisses. But it held more meaning, more feeling, more love, than a hundred thousand kisses.

He smiled weakly and sighed as he sat up, our arms falling away from each other, but he still held my hand in his.

"I don't know what I'm going to do Cassie. I don't know if I can lead anymore. I couldn't handle it. What if I broke down during a mission? I could endanger everyone. Everything..."

"Listen to me Jake, I know you. You're the strangest person I've ever met. You wont. I know you wont. But Jake, you can't give in. Please, we need you. Jake, I need you."

He hung his head and shook it slowly. "It's so hard Cassie. It hurts so much..."

"I know Jake, I know. But...please Jake. Talk to me about it. Promise me. You don't have to go to drugs Jake. I'm right here and I'll always be there for you. You know you can tell me anything."

He sighed. "I know Cassie, I know. I don't know what I'd do without you. But...I don't know how the others will react. Will they even let me lead anymore? I can't lose their confidence. If that happens, I'm useless as a leader."

"Jake, I don't care, I care about YOU."

"I know Cass." He sighed and stood up, straightening his shoulders, wiping off his cheeks, resuming his "fearless leader" look. Just in time too, Tobias flew in through the door and perched up on the rafters.

(...hey. Um, did I interrupt anything?)

I shook my head. "No Tobias, where are the others?"

(On their way, they should be here in just a minute. Umm...)

I saw Jake sort of cock his head as he listened to something in private thoughtspeak from Tobias. He waved his hand a little. "I already told her. About me I mean."

I wondered how Tobias had known. My question was answered a moment later when Tobias told me. I nodded. I wasn't mad at Tobias, anymore than I was mad at Jake. I couldn't see the shame on Tobias's intense hawk face, but I could hear it in his thoughtspeak.

(Here come the others. I...told Rachel. No one else.)

I watched Jake draw himself up, take a deep breath, preparing himself, as they filed into the barn. I have to admit, I was worried. They all took their usual places, except Rachel, who leaned against the wall and glanced occasionally from Jake to Tobias.

"So," Marco said. "What's up?"


	5. Just the Beginning

**Marco**

Now I'll be the first to tell you, I'm not very good at reading people, that's more Cassies thing. But even I could tell that something was very, very wrong as we all filed into the barn. Rachel had been silent the whole way there, brooding. And Rachel's not the type of person to brood. At first I thought it was something between her and Tobias, who had also been eerily silent. Then I saw Jake and I knew that something big was up.

So I did what I usually do in situations like this, I played dumb. Acted like I didn't notice anything. Waited to see what the others would tell me before I started figuring things out on my own.

"So," I said as I casually lounged on my favorite bale of hay. "what's up?"

And there it went! The look that I had been waiting for shot around the room like a pinball. Jake shot it to Tobias, who shot it to Rachel, who shot it back to Jake, who glanced at Cassie, who smiled reassuringly back at him.

Oh yes...there was an elephant in the room, and I was the only one who didn't see it. But I knew it was there. And those looks had told me a lot.

Jake felt guilty about something. No, worse than just guilty, ashamed. Tobias was unreadable as always, with his perfect hawk poker-face. Rachel was definitly at least a little bit ticked off, and Cassie, as always, was on Jakes side.

"Well don't everyone all shout Goodmorning at once." I yawned.

Jake straightened his shoulders and cleared his throat. "Well," he said, much quieter than usual. "We know from the Chee that the Yeerks are going to try and make this new ground-based Kandrona mobile. Ax says they'll probably try to use some kind of hologram to disguise it. "

I raised my hand a bit, "Where is ax-man anyway?"

"He's with Erek, helping him infiltrate chapmans office to see what more we can find out about it." Jake answered.

Tobis looked up, "Why aren't we going with him?"

"Because," I said, answereing for Jake, "ironicly enough Chapman will be LESS suspicious if he catches Ax snooping around. He'd be expecting an andalite. But if he saw all of us hanging around before school, well, he can put two and two together."

Tobias nodded, a very strange thing to see a hawk do. And I smiled smugly, playing my part perfectly if I do say so myself.

Now it was Rachels que, the part where she said somehting to me, we had a witty little exchange, the Jake broke it up and we all got down to business.

Instead, she looked right at Jake and said "Tell him."

"Well, so much for the subtle approach." I grumbled. "alright alright, I was done playing dumb anway." I lied. "What did you do Jake? Just spit it out please, school starts soon." What can I say, it was early, and the whole thing had made me a bit grumpy.

So he told me. Then Tobias told me his part, and Rachel told me her part. When they'd finished the barn was eerily quiet. Even the animals seemed to quiet down a bit. Everyone was staring at me, waiting for my reaction.

So I did what came naturally. I smirked sardonicly and said "That's it? That's what everyone is so tense about? That's the big secret?"

Everyone blinked, surprised. Except for Cassie of course. I swear, sometimes that girls ability to read people scares even me.

I rolled my eyes with an exhasperated sigh.

"Look everyone, it's simple. Anyone here who thinks they've got what it takes to run this show, raise your hand."

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rachel wince slightly and I frowned inwardly. I hadn't meant that as a stab at her, had I? I mean, I was still a little resentfull over the whole "her being the leader" episode...

I pushed these thoughts aside and made a show of carefully counting and tallying the number of hands (and talons) in the air. The total came, unsurprisingly, to exactly zero.

"Now," I continued, "we all know for a fact that Jake is the best leader we've got. And we couldn't have asked for a better one." I looked around at them all. "As far as I'm concerned, since it looks like I'm the only one who hasn't thrown his hat into the ring, as long as Jake is still the best man for the job, I'm going to follow him."

Jake looked at me gratefully. Of course I would stick by him, we'd been best buds since we were in diapers. I sighed.

"That being said, that was a pretty stupid thing to do Jake man. With Tom there and everything, and a big mission coming up, we don't need these kinds of risks."

Jake looked down at the ground. I had a sudden vision of our roles reversed. Usually it was Jake keeping everyone in line, reminding people we were in the middle of a war. Now I was doing it to him and I have to say, it sucked. It was a crappy feeling. But this was war, and if the Yeerks won, crappy feelings would be the least of our worries.

I almost glanced at Tobias but caught myself in time. I couldn't get into it with him. I couldn't pass judgement on him because if I had been in his position I'm not entirely sure I wouldn't have done the same thing.

I lounged back on the bale of hay and made a mock bow to Jake. "Fearless Leader, the floor is yours."

Jake nodded and looked at each of us in turn. "I can't as you to follow me. Not after I screwed up like that. But if you all still want me to lead, I...guess I don't really have much of a choice."

We all agreed of course, unanimously.

When the "voting" was over, jake smiled and said "You know, I really don't deserve friends like you."

I grinned, "Of course you don't Jake. I mean, is there really anyone in the world that does deserve a friend like me?"

(Yeah, Visser Three) Tobias said jokingly.

"Oh come on now!" Rachel said, her hands on her hips.

What's this? Rachel, coming ot my defence? Really, in a way it was kind of sweet, I always knew deep down inside that she really liked me.

"Visser Three's not that bad!" She finished.

Everyone laughed. Even me.


	6. Unseen Crossroads

Chapter six.

**Jake.**

After the meeting we all went our separate ways, heading to school. On my way out of the barn Cassie tugged on my sleeve and gave me a look. So I hung back as everyone else left.

"See?" she said "I told you. Jake, you're our leader. No one blames you for what you did. No one thinks you're any weaker for it."

She smiled at me and I sighed, not being able to keep the slow smile off of my face. What would I do without this girl? She always knew just what to say.

"Cassie...I couldn't have done that without you, you know. If it weren't for you I would have gone insane long ago."

She laughed and shook her head.

"Jake you know you'd do fine without me. Now come on, I don't have time to argue about it. You can get on the bus at my stop. You don't have time to make it back home."

"Alright Cass, alright."

I got to school about a half hour later and I instantly knew something was wrong. The air was thick with tension. The security guards were jumpy, glancing all around. Whispered conversations between teachers. I frowned slightly, worry eating it way into my mind. Something was wrong.

Had Ax been captured? Killed? If he had been captured than any moment now we would all be grabbed and dragged down to the Yeerk pool for infestation. If he had been captured then it was all over. You have any idea what thinking like that does to you? I walked the halls like a hunted man.

Someone tapped me on the shoulder and I swear I must have jumped a full two feet in the air. I spun around to find Marco with a very serious expression on his face.

"So you noticed it too eh? Have you seen Chapman?"

I shook my head. Marco jerked his head to the side meaningfully and I glanced over. There at the end of the hall stood Chapman, in his usual place, urging students on to class. But this was not the usual Mr. Chapman. He was whit as a ghost and shaking slightly. His hair was ruffled and one of his arms had a huge bandage wrapped around it. I saw a kid walk up to him and ask about the injury. I had to strain to hear the answer but he mumbled something like "hiking accident". Beside me Marco snorted.

"Yeah, hiking up an andalite tail blade..."

I glared at him

"You mind keeping it down?"I hissed and immediately felt bad. I don't usually snap at people like that but I was on a razors edge.

He nodded.

"Sorry, just a little tense. Jake we need to find out what happened." I nodded.

"Alright...I'll skip, go see if I can find "Phillip."

Phillip was the alias we had used the one time we had brought Ax to school. That hadn't turned out so well. Marco shook his head.

"No, we cant afford to draw any attention to us. Not right now. I don't think they captured him, if they had we'd be toast by now. We have to find some other way."

I snapped my fingers. "I got it, Tobias. He usually flies over the school. We can get him to go look for Ax."

"Alright," said Marco "but we cant have someone running around and red tailed hawks swooping around the school. It'll draw too much attention. Go in the bathroom and morph something. Try him in thoughtspeak first. If that doesn't work we'll have to do it the hard way."

I nodded and slipped into the bathroom just as the first bell rang. A fly buzzed my face as I entered and made my way to the far stall. I started the morphs to fly, I was about a third of the way to fly when suddenly:

Prince Jake? Is that you? 

You know, after all the things I've seen, been, and done, you'd think that I'd be able to handle being startled better. I didn't. I screamed. Oh man did I scream. We're talking 10 year old girl-Friday the 13- jump right out of your skin-shrieking. No joke, I felt my heart stop WHILE it was being squished out into Z-space!

It was several moments before I could complete the morph enough to use thoughtspeak.

Jesus Christ Ax! You scarred the...well you scarred me bad. What are you doing here? What's going on? 

I'm sorry for scarring you prince Jake. I'm afraid the mission was a failure. I was discovered during my mission. Erek was able to escape unseen but I was forced to fight. I made it to a bathroom and was able to Morph. 

Oh ---- Then i said a few things that I shouldn't have said.

Prince Jake, what does that term mean? 

Never mind Ax, look, how long have you been in morph? 

I must demorph sometime within the next thirty six of your minutes 

Alright look, I've got a plan. 

I don't know how we managed it but we did. Ax demorphed in the bathroom and remorphed a roach. I carried him around with me the rest of the day. I went to the bathroom every period and had him demorph and remorph. Finally I made it back to Cassies barn and he was able to resume his andalite form.

"Did you even get a glimpse of the documents Ax?"

No prince Jake. I was in the middle of looking through the documents on his desk when he entered the room with several other controllers. When they saw that I was an Andalite they began to draw dracon beams. I did not wish a confrontation there so i retreated, but I could not risk escaping the school. 

"Why weren't you in human morph?"

Well prince Jake, if they had seen your cousin "Phillip" there, they may have been suspicious. 

I nodded "Alright Ax, I have to get home and tell the others. You head back to the woods and lay low."

I sighed as I sat tiredly on a bale of hay, things were already getting out of hand and we hadn't even started the mission.

Yes prince Jake. 

He morphed to human and we both left.

I knew what I had to do. I had to talk to Marco. He was the smart one, he would see what we had to do. That was Marcos talent. He could see the tiny threads that connected everything together. He had such a clear view of how to get from A to Z.

I sighed. How had I gotten to be like this? I'd gotten so good at using my friends. Using them for what I needed them for, regardless of what it did to them. I brushed these thoughts away, I couldn't afford them. It was war, we all had to make sacrifices.

If I had to become the bad guy so that everyone else could live with themselves, then so be it.


	7. Shadows

Jakes Decision Chapter 7

Marco

It was such a beautiful day. I mean, I know I'm not exactly the guy who notices that stuff. That's really more Cassies thing. But it struck me. It was later that afternoon after the thing at the school. I was at Jakes house, sitting on his back porch on one of the chairs, just starting out at his backyard, The green summer grass, the beautiful blue sky, and such and ugly, ugly conversation.

"How would they search for him?" I said.

We were talking about something neither of us was comfortable. Kidnapping, and torture.

"Now, that's not Animorphs talk," you say? Well wake up, this is war, and these are just some of the ugly things you have to learn to do. We were desperate, and running out of time. We couldn't let the Yeerks get the new Ground Based Kandrona up and running. And we knew that the Yeerks were working just as hard to get it up. But we were out of time. It had all gone wrong, Ax had been seen looking for secret documents about it and the Yeerks knew we were onto them. For all we knew they could have it up right now. So now we were out of options to. And out of plans. But we couldn't give up, because if they win, we, you, everyone is finished. Period. Fear is a funny thing...Terror isn't.

So there was our problem. There was nothing we could do to stop them. But we had to stop them. So, now we were discussing the plans that neither one of us wanted to admit having made. Kidnapping a Yeerk. Torturing it until we found out where the Kandrona was. And we couldn't leave it alive either. So then cold blooded murder. I've killed before. But that's in battle, and as horrible as that is, you can still face yourself in the mirror. It was him or you. But murder. And torture, and kidnapping. But like I said, this is war.

"Bug fighters, probably." said Jake.

"And Taxxons, to track him...

We should do it in the City. They can't walk Taxxons down Main Street."

Even as I said it, I almost regretted it. Doing it in the City would make it almost as hard for us as it did for them. We'd have to snatch a controller and get them out of the City in morph. Then came the...unpleasant part.

But that was why Jake had come to talk to me. He knew that there was something about me, something inside me, that let me...made me see the unpleasant part, made me see the plans others didn't, or didn't want to. But that's because I understood what war was.

So we agreed. That night we would have a meeting, and if no one could think of a plan, we would have to propose ours. Either way, the mission was scheduled for tonight. I spent all the rest of the day staring up at the beautiful blue sky, while inside I desperately hoped someone would have a better plan, because if not, what we did to David would be nothing compared to what we were going to have to do.


	8. The Price We Pay

Jakes Decision 8

Jake

That night we had an emergency meeting. At the end of that meeting we were going to go on a mission. What that mission was depended on the outcome of this meeting. If it went badly, then we would be running a mission that none of us want to even think about. After we posted Tobias on watch we got the meeting started. My heart sank as it became quickly apparent that we would have to resort to Plan Z. The name Marco gave to our "Idea."

"We came up with it earlier today. We go into the City and kidnap a controller. We get them out of the city and back to the cabin." The cabin in the woods where I was held prisoner by my friends when I breifly became a controller. The memory of that still hadn't completely faded.

"Then we do whatever we have to do to get the information about the location of the Ground-based Kandrona from him." Me and Marco had both sort of silently understood that the controller would have to be a male. It was sick enough what we were plotting.

Seeing the realization dawn over them twisted the knife I felt in my guts. Cassies eyes slowly widened and she stared at me, slowly shaking her head.

"No. No Jake. I wont let you."

I stared back at her. Silent. Tears welled up in her eyes and she dropped her face into her hands, shaking her head. Rachel glanced at her and then turned to stare coolly at me.

"Jake...are you sure about this?"

I turned to her and said, very quietly, "Yes."

She nodded her head and I swallowed the sick lump which had risen in my throat. I glanced up at Tobias.

(Whatever it takes, Jake.)

I already knew what Ax would say, he'd follow me wherever I lead, and would do whatever I asked of him. So I turned back to Cassie.

"Cassie, we don't have any choice."

Her head snapped up and she glared deperately at me.

"Jake are you insane! Do you have any idea what you're suggesting? It's torture Jake! I don't know about you but I could never live with myself. Not after that Jake, not after that!"

I layed my hand on her shoulder.

"Cassie, listen to me. We don't have a choice, and you know it. If we don't find out where that Kandrona is, we're through. It's all over."

Softly, she began to cry.

"Please Jake," she whispered. "Please don't do this. Please don't make me do this..."

I felt a sharp pain in my chest, like something was wrong with my heart, as I did what I had to do. As the leader of the last hope of Earth.

"Cassie. You have to."

Her crying stopped for an instant and she looked up at me, I think she was shocked beyond tears. Shocked that I could do that to her. But that's what they don't understand about war. It hurts so bad because it makes you realize just what you're capable of doing. She swallowed her tears and hung her head.

"What have we done to ourselves Jake?"

I brushed away her question, I didn't have time to answer them. We had to do this.

"Cassie, I need to know if you're in. Right now."

She flinched but nodded her head.

"Alright then everybody," I stood up "lets figure out how to do this..."


	9. Lets Do It

Jakes Decision

Chapter 9

Avenger

Rachel

We all stood around in Cassies barn. Known to non-animorphs as the "Wildlife Rehabilitation Clinic." Cassies parents took in injured wildlife and nursed them back to health, then released them. So we were definitely not alone. But at this late hour, most of the animals were asleep in their cages.

"Now," Jake spoke "We need a controller high enough in the ranks to know where the Kandrona is. What high-ranking controllers do we know?"

Everyone was silent for a moment, thinking. I knew one at least. But I was NOT going to do that mission…as if reading my mind, Marco spoke up.

"Chapman. We're out of time and we need to be sure. He's the only one we can be certain knows where this thing is."

I glared at Marco, then looked at Jake. He actually looked like he was considering it. I gritted my teeth and crossed my arms.

"Absolutely not. I'm not going to put Melissa in that kind of situation. Forget the fact that she could get hurt during the operation, if we kidnap Chapman, the first thing they'll do is infest Melissa. No." I looked to Cassie. She still looked shaken by the fact that we were planning this sort of thing at all. But as soon as she caught my eye she spoke up.

"She's right Jake. Maybe…" She looked sick to her stomache, and her next words were very quiet. "Look, maybe we do have to do this…but I'm not going to be part of any plan that means an innocent girl gets a yeerk in her head."

Marco sighed and glanced at Jake. When Jake shook his head, Marco threw up his hands. "We don't have time for this moralizing Jake. I'm no fan of anyone getting infested either, but we HAVE to do this mission, and Chapman is our only viable target."

Jake seemed to consider this, looked like he was wavering. Till Tobias spoke up.

( Umm…actually, there _is_ one other high ranking controller we know of. I noticed him down in the yeerk pool…the first time. He was with Visser three. They were laughing, he was pushing around all the other controllers around him… )

Everyone turned and stared at Tobias. I was still pretty pissed at him for what he and Jake had done. But right now we had a mission, even better, we had a mission that was life-and-death. My favorite.

"How does that help us Tobias? We don't know where this guy is." Jake said.

( Well… he's Jeff Rogers, the reporter for channel 6. I don't know where he lives…but I'm sure we could find out. )

Jake thought about this for a moment before nodding, as if coming to a conclusion. "Ax, get on the net, find this guys address. We're doing this Tonight, everyone. Go home, do whatever you have to to get out tonight. We'll meet back here in the barn in…" Jake checked his watch. "Three hours. That's 2am. Got it?"

Everyone nodded their agreement. Ax left the barn, heading for his scoop to find the guy. Everyone else headed back home.

I got home and got yelled at by my mom. I made up some story about a sale at the mall and hurried up to my room. Sitting at my desk, I looked at myself in the mirror. I was jazzed, I was pumped. I was Ready. To. Go.

Was that wrong? The thought suddenly struck me. I mean, I was about to go on a mission where I would kidnap and torture another human being. Sure, they had a yeerk slug in their brain, but they would still feel it. Be aware, KNOW what was happening to them. We were about to do something I never thought we were capable of…And the really scary part was, it didn't bother me. Not like you'd think it would. Kidnapping and torture were way wrong on my moral compass. But we had no choice. The mobile Kandrona HAD to be stopped, or the whole human race was in grave danger. If that meant we had to get our hands dirty, so be it. I suddenly realized I was grinning. For a second I stared into the mirror, not knowing who I was looking at. Where had this bloodthirsty maniac come from?

With some effort I whiped the smile off my face. So what if I wasn't exactly all torn up about this, like Cassie. I wasn't a psycho, I just knew what had to be done. And besides, I always felt jazzed before a mission. Especially one that was likely to be very dangerous. I shook my head to clear it and stood up, moving quickly to my bed, I propped a few pillows under the sheets, then leaned out the door and yelled goodnight to my family. I stood in my room and peeled off my nightshirt, revealing my morphing outfit underneath. After that I opened the window, and morphed to Golden Eagle.

Morphing is never logical. It can go one way one day, and another the next. This time, the morph started with my face. I felt a weird squishing sensation as my eyes changed from human to bird. Suddenly, it was like looking at my dresser through a telescope. Tiny details that would have been lost to my human sight jumped right out to my eagle eyes. I felt my lips harden and grow, pushing out from my face, forming into the Golden Eagles killer beak. A beak that was razor sharp and wickedly curved. So much the better for tearing the guts out of my prey…

I could feel my skin itching as a feather pattern drew itself across my entire body. At the same time I was slowly shrinking. The dresser grew tall before me, As big as a billboard. The ground rushed up and slowed, stopping when I was about a foot off the floor. I could feel my feet shifting, stubby pink human toes slowly changing into the sharp, ripping talons of the Eagle. Finally, my arms lengthened out, relatively speaking, and flattened. I could _feel_ the bones as they shifted and rearranged, growing hollow and long. Feathers sprouted all at once all over my body and that was the final change, I was now fully Golden Eagle.

I felt the Eagles mind bubble up beneath mine. She wanted to bed down. It was night out, and Golden Eagles are definitely day-birds. All she was interested in right then was finding a nice sturdy branch on which to perch and spend the night. But I had different plans. I powered my wings and lifted off, soaring through the window and heading for Cassies barn.

I flapped in through the door and noticed Cassie there already, trying valiantly to get a recalcitrant raccoon to take his meds. I landed on the hay-strewn floor and started to Demorph. ( Hey Cassie. ) I said in thoughtspeak, just before I lost the ability. Just before I completely demorphed, with my eyes still Eagle, I noticed the tracks of tears on Cassie's cheeks. I could tell she'd been crying heavily while we were gone. Speaking of which, there was still almost a half hour before everyone else was supposed to get there. I finished demorphing and slowly walked over to stand behind Cassie.

The raccoon was giving her hell, but I could tell she wasn't even paying attention to the animal in front of her. Like she was just going through the motions to keep her mind off what we were going to do tonight.

I cleared my throat quietly. "Cassie?" She remained silent, pretending to concentrate on the raccoon. I sighed and moved closer, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Cass, at least look at me!"

Her shoulders slumped and she gave up on the raccoon. Slowly she turned around and I could see her eyes were puffy from crying too much. I felt a stab of guilt and something else, shame? This mission was obviously tearing Cassie apart. And here I was, pumped and ready to go. I tried to conceal my excitement with a frown. "Cassie, c'mon girl, you know you can talk to me."

"Oh god Rachel…" She sobbed. Even with my puny human eyes I could see the tears welling up in her eyes again. "What are we doing? What the hell have we become! Do you understand what this mission means? What it will make us?"

"Cassie…" I looked at her, a pained expression on my face. "We don't have _time_ to do this mission the right way. We don't have a _choice_."

She stepped back, glaring at me. I don't think I've ever seen Cassie so angry. It actually scarred me. A lot more than the mission ahead. I moved back from her. She was shaking, whether from grief or anger I couldn't tell. Fat tears rolled down her cheeks as she glared at me.

"Don't we! So that makes what we're doing alright! Please, _PLEASE_ tell me I'm not the only one who sees how sick and wrong this is! Christ Rachel, we're talking about TORTURE! What the HELL have we become! How are we the good guys still!"

I had never seen Cassie this upset. I was extremely worried. Not just for Cassie, but what she was saying was upsetting me. Suddenly I was angry, very angry. How dare Cassie say these things! Sure, okay, maybe she had a point. But this wasn't an option. We needed to know where that Kandrona was. And we needed to know Yesterday. However we got that information didn't matter. My jaw clenched as I glared back at her.

"Jesus Cass, don't you get it? We HAVE to do this! We're still the good guys damnit! But we have to do what we have to do!"

She looked like I'd just punched her. She was hurt, and shocked. Slowly she turned away from me, jerking her shoulder out from under my hand as she tried to concentrate once again on the raccoon.

"I don't even _know_ you anymore Rachel…How can you do this? How can you _live_ with yourself?" She shook her head slowly. I can't do this Rachel. I can't be a part of this mission. No way."

My voice was cold when I finally spoke. I felt deep resentment towards her. How could she do this? How could she back out of this mission? She was an Animorph, goddamnit!

"Fine Cassie. Fine. Just leave it all up to us…" Her head dropped lower, and I saw her shoulders shudder as she resumed crying. I tightened my jaw, no time for feeling sorry. No time for feeling mad at Cassie. No time for thinking about what we were going to do. Why think about it, when we were going to have to do it, no matter what? I spun on my heel and stormed out of the barn, Just in time to run into Jake just outside the doors. He took one look at my face and frowned.

"Rachel…what happened?"

I growled deep in my throat. "Cassie's decided she gets to sit this one out." I clenched and unclenched my fists. Cassie is my best friend, no doubt, but sometimes she can really get me ticked.

Jake frowned sadly but nodded. "Okay." He said.

I spun around and exploded on him. "What the hell do you mean _Okay_! She just gets to back out because it might offend her delicate sensibilities!" I barked a laugh "What the fuck, Jake!"

Jake reached out and layed a hand on my shoulder. "Calm down Rachel. Save it for the mission." Slowly my breathing returned to normal. I was still glaring, but at least I could unclench my jaw now.

"Look…" Jake sighed "We can't afford to lose Cassie. And this mission can be done with one less Animorph. So she gets to sit this one out." He held up his hand as I opened my mouth to protest. "Rachel, please, just listen to me. Okay?"

I stared at him…How could he be so cold? So unfair? But still…he was right. I felt my head slowly nod.

"Alright Jake…you _know_ I'll do what needs to be done." I grinned at him in eagerness. But instead of a similar grin, Jake just stared at me, long and hard, like he didn't know me and was trying to figure me out. He frowned a little and walked past me into the barn.

"URGH! What the fuck has gotten into everyone!" I looked up in frustration and saw Marco walking slowly out of the darkness. I nodded to him as he passed. At the same time, I heard a flutter of feathers over my head and knew that Tobias had entered the barn. Ax was sure to follow soon. Steeling myself to deal with Cassie, I turned and entered the barn.


End file.
